


Introspection

by JForward



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, It's kinda sad, she got thinking about sarah jane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:27:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JForward/pseuds/JForward
Summary: She thinks about those she's lost. Those who travelled with her. Those who saw the stars. Those she changed.She thinks about Sarah Jane.She thinks about giving a eulogy.But instead, she flies away.-- just a kinda introspective thing with the Doctor talking to herself and thinking about her companions.
Kudos: 9





	Introspection

“They all leave, in the end. Changed. A lot of them, changed beyond belief. The ones that survive. The ones I don’t _destroy_. They see things beyond, beyond this world, beyond their understanding. They see cruelty. They see unimaginable horror. They keep striving to see more, understand more, they take all the - the pain, and the nightmares, and they still want more. Until one day - they don’t.” 

Throat bobbed. A slow exhale. 

“If they survive. They go on to be - leaders. Warriors. Killers, sometimes. Saviours. Heroes. They go on to do - so many things. So many, many incredible things and I wonder - I wonder if it was because of me. Or if they would always have gone on, to do that, to become. Do I make them grow? Do I steer them, in my image? Do I think my image is - is worth steering someone in? Not a god. Not even a good person. Not even a person, come to think of it.”

Eyes stay down, focused on her coat sleeves.

“But no matter what happens, I know … it’ll be me. In the end. Always me. Alone. Against the storm.” a short bark of a laugh, now, “Because that’s what they call me, don’t they? The oncoming storm. But no. No, I’m not - I’m not the storm, not really. It chases me. Death, and cruelty, and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, how much I want to stop, it’s me. So much blood on my hands, so much more than I ever imagined. The blood of a life that could’ve been beautiful. Time after time.”

She’s crying properly now, tears running down her face, hazel eyes hollow.

“And I’m still going to keep doing it. Keep taking them. Ruining them, destroying them. Trying to believe I’m good but no - no. I’m cruel. I destroy as willingly as any murderer is. But it’s worse. I convince myself I’m doing it for _the right reason_ s, the same as the Time Lords did. Why are my reasons any more right? What gives me that? The - the belief that I’m the only one good enough to interfere, to cause damage after damage after damage.” 

A hard swallow. 

“And I know that I won’t stand it. Being alone. Facing this, all of this, endless and cold and - and alone. I don’t want that. I can’t _do that_ , that’s the most selfish thing that I’m not willing to suffer! That I’m not willing to stand being _lonely_ so I’ll take, and I’ll take and I’ll take and destroy. So that I don’t have to be in my head. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all of you, every single one of you. For that normal, beautiful, ordinary human life I snatched from you. I’m so proud of them. So proud. And so sorry.” deep breaths now, steadying deep breaths. 

“You’ll do great things, with or without me. I always knew you would.”


End file.
